


The North Korean Problem

by SavannahStrawberry



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Don’t take this too seriously, F/M, Nightcrawlers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22596109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SavannahStrawberry/pseuds/SavannahStrawberry
Summary: Sun-Li isn't actually 12, it was a lie invented by her commie dictator boss. He threatens to send her back to North Korea if she doesn’t keep up the act.Will she make her way back to Charlie? How will they handle the North Korea problem?
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Sun-Li (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Kudos: 2





	The North Korean Problem

Unlocking his apartment door, Charlie jumped when he realized someone had snuck up on him. It was just Sun-Li, to his relief, not his overbearing land lord.

“Surprise!” She shouts with a smile on her face, “I follow you home again.” She giggles. Charlie smiles and rubs the back of his neck.

“Hey come on you really shouldn’t be here. You need to go home.”

“No I run away again, I can live with you?” She asks. Charlie thought about how about how much trouble he would get in by letting a 12 year old run away live with him.

“If I could I would,” Charlie shrugs his shoulders, “but you really shouldn’t live here because you’re twelve!”

“I am not twelve! They made me lie so I could come to America to be their slave!” Sun-Li screams angrily before suddenly returning to her smiling self.

“Wait what? So you’re not illegal?” Charlie said, recalling something Dennis had said.

“No silly I am 25, if I was 12 could I do this?” She pushes him out of the doorway, wrestling the key out of his hands and gaining access to the apartment. It was in much worse condition than when she had previously visited, but anything was better than the bedroom she shared with 20 people. “Sun-Li strong!” She pumped her arms, laughing as Charlie joined her inside.

“Wow you’re so cool! Cooler than Mac or Dennis. We couldn’t even get that uh, pirate door, open at your bar.”

“I miss you Charlie, I hate living with the boss.”

“I uh, I missed you too.” He said honestly back. If he’s straight with himself, he did feel disappointed when he found out Sun-Li was only 12. “Are you sure you’re 25? With asians you can never tell-”

“I am goddamn it!” She barked back at him. “Lets watch some tv!” She hopped on the couch, motioning him to join her. Charlie plopped down on the couch next to her, making her bounce a little. Turning on the old cartoons he likes, they laugh like crazy. Sun-Li leans on his shoulder and he leans on hers.

Suddenly the door bursts open and Dennis comes marching in.

“Charlie what did you do with my- , oh my.” Dennis stares at the two of them.

“Hey Dennis! What’s up?” Charlie asks, still watching the tv.

“Why is Sun-Li here?” He responds both confused and intrigued, and a little bit turned on.

“Um, cause she wants to be that’s why.”

“Yeah me and Charlie are hanging out.” Sun-Li hugs Charlie’s arm sweetly. “Why are you here funny man?”

“Excuse me? Funny man? I’ll have you know I am a divine man.” Dennis puffs up his chest. “I am here because Charlie has my video camera.”

“Pfft I don’t have it anymore man, I gave it to Frank.”

Goddamn it, Dennis thought, now he’s going to have to deal with tracking Frank down. That could be dealt with later he supposed.

“Can I ask why Sun-Li, your twelve year old fiance, is doing here now that we know she’s twelve?” Dennis felt he shouldn’t have to ask this question, but felt obligated to do it.

“I am not twelve, I am twenty-five.” Sun-Li said seriously, holding up her finger to her mouth like she’s telling him to keep a secret. Dennis will keep a secret all right.

“You know what, I think I should just leave you two be. Better to just not get involved.” Dennis throws up his hands, walking out the door. Charlie turns to look at the lady next to him.

“What’s up with him.” Charlie laughs pointing where Dennis was with his thumb.

“I know, he is always so funny.” Sun-Li responded. “Now that I am back with you, do you want to be my fiance again?” She asks. Charlie felt his heart sped up a little and told her yes automatically.

“Yay! I love you, Charlie.”

\---

It was late, and Frank still hadn’t come home yet. Charlie pulls out the bed and gets it ready to go to sleep.

“I’m not tired yet.” Sun-Li whines, “let’s play a game instead”. Charlie finishes what he’s doing and figures if she’s going to get married to him, she needs to know how to play Night Crawlers. Abstractly explaining it, he ended up giving up and telling her to just go with it.

“Darkness falls.” He wraps a blanket around his head and says, “And magic stirs!”

Sun-Li copies his movements, wrapping herself up in a blanket cocoon.

“As we become…” Charlie pauses dramatically, “the creatures of the night!” The lights go out and he joins her on the bed, throwing the blanket over both of them. He pulls out a little flashlight and hands it to Sun-Li. Speaking in a southern accent, Charlie whispered, “Now there’s some minerals under us as we speak, but you and me both know that we’ve got to stay as quiet as possible or else God save our souls.” Charlie holds his hands in prayer.

Sun-Li nodded her head intensely, speaking in a mixed southern and korean accent. “Yessiree. What in tarnation sort of minerals are down there?” She wiggles in her cocoon towards the edge of the bed to peak over.

Charlie pulls her back, whisper shouting, “We can’t just go straight in ye see? It’s too dangerous!” Pausing to think, he continued, “we’ll just have to find another way in.”

“But Charlie there is no other way, we are trapped! Maybe the minerals can help us escape if we grab them fast.” Sun-Li argued, but soon both fell quiet as they heard a rustling in the room.

Shit, shit, shit!

“Spread out like a starfish!” Charlie whispered really close to Sun-Li’s ear, making her laugh, pushing him away slightly. They both got really flat on the bed, listening to the other creatures of the night.

“What is it, Charlie?” Sun-Li asked, after a moment of silence.

‘The Nightman.’ The man instantly thought, reaching out to hold her hand. The noise got closer, and Charlie shut his eyes although they were in the dark, pressing himself into the bed, becoming the starfish-

“Wakey wakey!” The blanket flew off both of them and they screamed at the man before them. Sun-Li shined the flashlight right in the unknown man’s face. “Hey, hey! Get that thing out of my face!” Frank took the light from Sun-Li, using it to find his way to the lamp, turning it on.

A wave of relief flowed through Charlie, it was just Frank. The game was over now, since a rule of the game was that you can only play with two people.

“You didn’t tell me you were bringing a broad home, who is this anyways?” Frank eyed her up, which made the other two quite uncomfortable.

“This is Sun-Li remember?” Charlie wrapped the blanket around both of them, unhappy with Frank’s wandering eyes.

‘Oh yeah, the North Korean kid’. Frank remembers. ‘Well, you know what they say about kids who get diddled, it’s a cycle.’

“Charlie who is this man?” Sun-Li asks, concerned.

“He’s my roommate.” He answered, just now realizing that Sun-Li wouldn’t probably want to sleep in the same bed as Frank. “Uh don’t worry I’ll sleep in the middle,” He tells her softly, before turning to Frank. “No offense man!”

‘He wants the kid to himself, I get it.’ Frank thought to himself, grumbling a bit before laying down on his side.

Charlie jumped up to grab some cat food. “Do you want some?” He asked Sun-Li, who responded it was her favorite snack back in North Korea. Charlie was happy that she understood him, and didn’t call him weird all the time like the rest of the gang.

Before laying down, Sun-Li cocooned herself in the extra blanket again, laying on the edge. Charlie stared up at the ceiling, arms around his waist.

With the cat food in their system, Charlie felt for the first time in a while he didn’t need to huff any glue to fall asleep.

\---

2 Weeks Later

\---

Bursting through the bar doors, Charlie walks up to the bar with the biggest grin on his face.

“Dee, get me a beer!”

“Get your own!” She shouts back, and is surprised when he doesn’t offer back another retort. Making his way round to the other side of the bar, he cracks open one for himself, then grabs four more for the rest of the gang.

“Clear your schedule guys, I’m getting married on Friday!” What followed was a series of confused shouting and arguing.

Dee eventually shouts over the rest, “Shut up guys! Who’re you marrying?”

“Sun-Li! I mean we’ve been fiances for two weeks now so what’s stopping us from getting married, you know? I’m having it at the bar so if you guys would like to help with food and decorations and stuff that’d be cool. She’s North Korean if you remember so like maybe chinese food and paper lanterns?”

“Uh no bro. You cannot get married in a bar, it needs to be in the house of God.” The entire gang rolls their eyes at Mac’s bible talk.

“You can do that at your wedding dude, I don’t believe in God and neither does Sun-Li. Wow, can you believe how much we have in common?” He says, lovestruck.

“I know you don’t bro, but think, if there is judgement day wouldn’t it be good to be on the safe side?”

Charlie thought it over, “Eh if it makes you feel better you can bring a priest to do the vows. But I got a favor to ask, I want you to be my best man.”

Mac felt overwhelmed that his best friend asked him this, it made him feel so important. “100%! I’ll be the best best man ever, you won’t regret this decision.” Mac pointed at Charlie dramatically.

Dennis was shocked, how could Charlie pick Mac to be his best man and not him? Obviously he was the better option. “I’ll throw you a killer bachelor’s party.” Dennis declared.

“But, I’m the best man Dennis. The bachelor party is my thing.”

“Don’t worry,” Dennis held up his hands in defense, “I won’t overstep, I was just thinking for our boy Charlie here,” he wrapped an arm around Mac’s shoulder, “two minds are better than one.”

“Well, um, yeah that makes sense.” Mac agreed.

“I’ll be incharge of Sun-Li’s party.” Dee announced. The guys ignored her. “Where is she now, Charlie?”

“Oh she’s back at my place, I asked if she wanted to come but she doesn’t like Dennis.”

“Doesn’t like me?!”

“Funny man smell like dog shit.” Charlie said in a bad accent, “Was her exact words.” The whole gang laughed at Dennis.

“Whatever man, we’ll pick you up tomorrow for the best bachelor party ever! Ever!” With that he dragged Mac out the door, to go probably plan.

“Tell Sun-Li I’ll pick her up tomorrow as well, I’m going to take her shopping.” Dee said excitedly.

“Oh she’ll like that, she only has like one outfit so she’s been wearing my stuff.”

Dee pictures Sun-Li dressed in Charlie’s old holey clothes and mentally added another hour to their trip tomorrow. Frank left to go do office work, leaving the two of them alone.

“Hey Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“I forgot earlier, but like isnt Sun-Li like twelve?”

“See everyone keeps asking me this, her boss made her lie so she can get into the country.”

A few things connected in Dee’s brain.

“So she’s marrying you so she doesn’t get deported?” Dee concluded.

“What? No, I didn’t even know that. It is a nice perk though.” Charlie’s voice then got a little quiet. “She’s marrying me ‘cause she loves me.” Busying himself with cleaning glasses, he doesn’t like Dee’s persistent nature.

“Have you guys even slept together?” Dee pushes.

“It’s none of your business! Stupid bird.” Charlie yells to shut her up. Dee shouts back at him to relax, and changed the subject.

“How asian should this wedding look like?”

“Very.”

\----

After a series of poorly picked strip clubs and awkward lap dances, Charlie decided to disappear into his drink.

“Loosen up! What’s gotten you so mellow.” Dennis teases him.

“Hey you know this place isn’t really my scene, and I think it’s all weird cause I’m getting married tomorrow. Can we just have fun at your guy’s place? Maybe search for ghouls-”

“No ghoul searching! A bachelors party wouldn’t be complete without strippers man, it’s a sacred tradition.” Mac protests.

“I see what the man’s thinking Mac.” Dennis pats Mac’s shoulder knowingly. He smirks at Charlie who stared incredulously back. “Why look at all these American chicks when he’s got a hot asian to think about back home.”

“No come on man don’t talk about Sun-Li like that.” Charlie whined.

“Dude I’ve shared so many of my conquests with the both of you, even let you idiots see my sex tapes. The best you could do,” Dennis’ voice dropped an octave. “Is to share how she’s like in bed.” He squeezed Mac’s shoulder unconsciously, raising the tension between the three of them.

“I don’t really wanna…” Charlie said quietly, looking away from his two eager friends. Dennis took it upon himself to detail it.

The first couple words were the only thing able to come out of Dennis’ mouth until Charlie punched him squarely in the jaw.

“Charlie!” Mac shouted, pointing at him. “You need to calm down.”

“I need to calm down!” Charlie was now all worked up, yelling. “You guys promise me an awesome party and instead you take me to this place I don’t like and insult my fiance! You know what? Frank is now my best man!” With that, Charlie storms out of the strip club.

\----

Still worked up when Charlie got back home, he threw open the apartment door and went straight for his stash of glue. Inhaling rapidly, he wanted the emotions to go away. When he calmed down, he realized that Sun-Li was sitting next to him the entire time. She was now dressed in proper fitting clothes from her shopping trip with Dee.

“I like your outfit.” Charlie stated, glue residue on his face. Sun-Li looked at him neutrally, almost as if she understood.

“Why you upset?” She asks softly, reaching out to hold Charlie’s hand. He didn’t feel like holding hers, but compromised by letting their hands rest against each other.

“Dennis and Mac suck, the party was a disaster.” He sniffed, feeling fuzzy.

“But I thought they your friends?”

“Well yeah they are but Dennis said mean things about you and me.” Charlie was honest with her.

“What things?” Sun-Li didn’t really care about his opinion, but obviously it affected Charlie a great deal.

“He wanted to talk about having sex with you and I don’t really like to talk about it because we don’t have sex, but I don’t really want to because it’s sticky and its gross but he doesn’t understand and everyone , Dee, Mac, Dennis, they all get on me about it and it’s none of their business and please don’t get upset with me too I find you really really pretty and I really do love you-” Charlie’s ramble was cut off by Sun-Li intergecting.

“That’s all that matters, Charlie. Marriage is not about sex, sex is gross and icky. I like that we don’t do that, I like our relationship now. I do not want to change what we do because of your dog shit friends. I love you too and we will have best wedding ever.”

“You really mean that?” Charlie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had expected her to tell him he’s weird, not that she felt the same way and it did not matter.

“One Hundred Percent!” Sun-Li wrote the number in the air with her finger. “Tv time now?”

\---

The Wedding

\---

Frank stood by Charlie at the makeshift alter, Dee had just finished a long winded dramatic speech in a poor korean accent and left to go walk Sun-Li down the isle. Charlie and Frank were almost in tears, no hurt feelings after signing the divorce papers a day earlier. This is how it was meant to be.

Mac and Dennis sat in the front, Dennis was hard as he looked upon the masterpiece of a drawing he did crudely of Sun-Li. Mac watched him and the drawing as he stuffed his face with sesame chicken, turned on as well. Charlie’s Mom sat in the very front seat, crying happily, while Mac’s Mom sat in the back, watching tv.

The wedding starts, Sun-Li is walked down the aisle, the vows are read, they exchanged rings and a kiss, and they lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this not very seriously because I was drawn to Charlie’s issue with sex and relationships. I see a lot of myself in him and hope you found this entertaining.


End file.
